Is the universe out to get me? Two weeks ago I hurt my foot and today while playing with Griffyn at the local sandbox I had the metal handle of the scoop toy drop directly onto the top of my forehead. It hit me hard enough for me to see stars and I felt it all the way down my spine. Griffyn had been sitting on the seat at the time and I think he thought he made it happen, which he didn't. When I looked to see where he was I saw him crouched behind the seat with his head in his hands. Oh, sweet boy! He wasn't crying, but clearly upset about my reaction. It fucking hurt!!! Excuse the explitive, but it's appropriate. So I was just thinking, "Okay, what's the third thing?" I then promptly told myself there is no third thing, what will happend next is the shodan shiai, period. No more getting hurt. This is ridiculous. It hurt bad enough for me to think about going to the doctor, but now I feel okay, just a little tired and throbbing. At least I'll have a good bruise...and no, it didn't come from karate...
This makes me think of self-sabotage. Is there some part of me that doesn't feel I'm really worthy of going the next step in my martial arts? Am I afraid to? That's entirely possible. Yes, I do feel afraid, but I feel ready for this. I'm ready to dive into the unkown and make it known, make it my own.
I'll have to talk more about this in another post. This afternoon is a very busy karate afternoon. I soon am off for the shodan pre-test, which is an hour and a half. Then the kid's shiai followed by the adult kyu shiai. I planned ahead and only did one massage today. It was very nice to spend the morning doing family time. I'll just have to watch out for metal backhoe thingys from now on.
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2 comments:
You know, I've been thinking about this myself.
I've had numerous doubts about my training in karate the last year. Mainly because of karate's objective which are kind of against what my other interest are in. Namely reiki.
In fights, I suffered no injury at all. Yet, in training session, my knee, hand and rib have been hurt.
Yet, in fights, I constantly won.
So, what is it then?
Intention?
Wishing for it, but not being sure?
Self-doubt?
Then again, there are all those "other" martial artists that live out happy lives.
Why do those things happen? To reflect? To make sure of what we want? Hurdles are constants. Yet, dealing with those is not really something funny.
I still have to find that answer.
Mat, there are so many things that could contribute to all that you mention. I think the most important aspect is intention. If you wish for something to happen, you give it power, which then turns into something tangible. Negative thoughts attract negative actions, positive thoughts attract positive actions. Choose wisely, grasshopper...
karrie
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